Aidou reads Yaoi
by Jinxx Draconett
Summary: What happens when Aidou reads a little story about Kaname and Zero? read to find out. UPDATED! Shizuka is reading yaoi!
1. Chapter 1: Aidou

**Aidou reads Yaoi**

**Konata: Just a little crackfic I came up with while thinking of CI.**

**Aidou: KonataIzumi1 does not own Vampire Knight. Thank God.**

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**It happened when Kain, Kaname, Yuki and Ruka were out and Aidou was all alone in the house. He was bored so he decided to look at what Yuki was typing for the last few days. It wouldn't cause any damage unless he was caught.**

"**Let's see what you're up to Yuki-sama." He opened the file that was titled 'K+Z=Y' and started reading.**

"'**Kaname, we shouldn't. It wouldn't be fair for Yuki.' said a guilty looking Zero.**

'**I don't care Zero. We should do what we feel like doing.' Then the pureblood pushed the silver haired boy onto the bed and began to… OH MY FRIGGIN KAMI-SAMA!"**

"**Aidou! We're back!"**

'**HOW CAN SHE SOUND SO INNOCENT!' the noble classman thought going downstairs. He looked right at Kaname a look of shock and fear on his face.**

"**Eh? Aidou is something wrong?"**

"**I need to talk to Kain and Ruka upstairs." Hanabusa took the confused 2 into a room upstairs and told them what he read. When they went downstairs, Kain and Ruka had the same look as Aidou when they came downstairs.**

"**I never knew." Ruka said.**

"**There are so many things in this world unknown to me." Kain said looking right at Kaname.**

"**Don't worry Kaname-sama we'll get through this time of confusion together." The three approached the pureblood and patted his back saying things like**

"**It's going to be alright." "It will come to pass." "Every man has different desires." **

"**I just feel sorry for Zero. No one to guide him through this." Then Yuki knew what they were talking about.**

"**Aidou."**

"**Yes, Yuki-sama?"**

"**How much did you read?"**

"**Up to the part where Kaname-."**

"**YOU IDIOT! DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD!" She dragged him upstairs. When they went back down, Yuki's face was a bright red.**

"**What is it Yuki?" The male pureblood was confused but did not show it.**

"**Nothing onii-chan. Aidou just misunderstood something. What do you guys want for dinner?" she asked escaping into the kitchen.**

'**I will kill you Aidou!' she thought placing something in his soup. She came back out with everyone's food and gave the blonde his food last.**

"**How does it taste Aidou?"**

"**Wonderful Yuki-sama."**

**~1 hour later~ **

**A rumbling sound erupted from Aidou's stomach.**

"**Aidou! What did you eat?"**

"**I just-. Oh dear God. Excuse me!" The sound of Hanabusa retching was heard all the way in the living room.**

"**Excuse me." Yuki went upstairs yet again. The sounds of her laughter were heard all over the house. And Kaname still didn't know what was going on.**

**/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////Konata: Yeah, just some crackfic I came up with. If you guys review I might continue it. But you might want to put any ideas you have in the review. **


	2. Chapter 2: Zero and Chairman Cross

**Zero and Chairman Cross read Yaoi**

Konata: I really did not expect you guys to actually review. But thanks anyways! This chapter is dedicated to RimaTouya-Rose (you and me have the same illness) and Bella's sister (I'm obsessed with twilight too but my fave chara is Jasper). Thanks for giving me the ideas.

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~**Cross Academy~**

Kiryuu Zero just came back to his dorm after hunting down another Level E vampire when he noticed that he had a new e-mail.

**Yo Kiryuu,**

**Kain, Ruka and I were worried about you and thought we should check on you. We want to know something VERY important. Did this really happen?**

Zero scrolled down reading the story written by Yuki, his anger growing with every sentence.

"**DEAR GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"**

"Kiryuu-kun, are you okay?" Chairman Cross entered the room and looked at what Zero was reading. Then he, surprisingly, calmly turned to face Zero.

"Kiryuu-kun, every man has their desires and usually thinks about them but they don't usually write them. Even if they did write them, they wouldn't be this…. Detailed. I think we need to have a nice, calm, long talk about this… issue. Man to man."

"But I didn't-."

"There is a point in a man's life when he starts to have feelings for other men. They usually try to ignore these feelings and label them as 'brotherly love' but I guess your case is different. Now I think we should get a therapist for you. Is that reasonable?"

"But-."

"No buts Zero. This is a very serious matter. I will not tell Kaname about this because I know that it's a phase that will come to pass but I may be tempted to if you don't take therapy."

"I'll do it! I'll do it1 Just don't tell the bastard!" The chairman patted his son's shoulder and said

"You've grown into a man Zero. A big, big man. A big, big, big man. A man that has many needs. I'm proud of you." As he got up to leave Zero asked

"What did you mean when you said big?"

"Well, you have let yourself go since Yuki left."

"**GET OUT!"**

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Konata: Yeah that was a bit short. I'm going to try and make a funnier one for Shiki, Rima and Ichijou.


	3. Chapter 3: Ichijou,Shiki,Rima

**Rima, Shiki and Ichijou read Yaoi**

Konata: I think this is the 2nd to last chapter. I didn't think people would actually like this or my other crackfic. I come up with these when I'm half-asleep. This chapter's dedicated to azngurl113219(you reviewed for each of my fics, arigato!) and Hanemaru (you reviewed too. Arigato!)

Ichijou: KonataIzumi1 does not own Vampire Knight.

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~**Night Class Dormitory**~

"SHIKI! RIMA! AIDOU SENT US AN E-MAIL!"

"What does it say?" Rima asked when they were all gathered around Ichijou's laptop.

"Let me see. It says:

**Dear Ichijou, Shiki and Rima,**

**Hope you guys are doing well. I just wanted you to take care of Zero. I found this the other day. Read it in your British accent Ichijou. I want to know how it sounds."**

**Ichijou read the first two sentences out loud.**

"**And the pureblood pushed the silver haired boy onto the bed and… OH DEAR GOD! SHIKI! COVER RIMA'S EYES! SHE'S STILL A VIRGIN!"**

The model covered Touya's eyes, ignoring the assault, and read the e-mail himself.

"Zero and Kaname-sama… are going through some rough times." He said when he finished.

"We should pretend we never read this."

"Wait, I want to read it!" Rima yelled.

"Read what?"

"Grr… damn you guys." Rima tried to bite Shiki one last time and failed.

"Let us go pray for the confused souls and play Love in Paris. I can't get past that 1 level with the ***** and *******."

"Oh, that's easy you ****** and **** with the *****." Shiki explained wrapping his hand in a tissue.

"So you guys say all that in front of a virgin but won't let me read an e-mail."

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Konata: I think I'll put an unexpected character in the next chapter.

Rima:REVIEW!


	4. Chapter 4: Shizuka,Ichiru

**Shizuka reads Yaoi**

Konata: This one is going to be short 'cause I have to write the next chapter for Chocolate Ice but I'll write an extra long one tomorrow if you guys review. I swear!

Ichiru: Konata does not own Vampire Knight.

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"Shizuka-sama."

"Have you sent all of Zero's e-mails to my mailbox Ichiru?"

"Yes Shizuka-sama."

"Good."

"Nothing intere- Oh, what's this?" Shizuka read the tale that Yuki wrote. Ichiru could tell nothing from her expression

"Wow," she said when she was finished. "Zero has been a naughty boy. Why aren't you like your brother?"

"Huh?" Ichiru read what was on the laptop.

"**GOD, THAT IS WRONG ON SOOOO MANY LEVELS! I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK!"**

Ichiru ran to the bathroom leaving her behind.

'_And I thought Zero hated vampires. Well, love and hate are both very strong emotions so one of those feelings could easily turn into the other.'_

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Konata: I'm sorry it's so short but I just had an idea for CI so … Lates!


	5. Chapter 5: HTCSS

**The H.T.C.S.S**

Konata: The final chapter! Speaking of final chapters, I'm almost done with Chocolate Ice! I think I'll write something for Shiki and Yuki next.

Ruka: Konata does not own Vampire Knight.

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"Why am I here with this bastard?" said Kiryuu Zero pointing at Kaname. They were invited to the night dormitory by Ichijou.

"Kiryuu Zero and Kuran Kaname, You have been called upon by the H.T.C.S.S."

"The what?!"

Suddenly, Ichijou, Aidou, Kain, Ruka, Rima, Shiki, and a nervous Yuki appeared by the stairs.

"The Help The Confused Souls Society. Recently we have read a tale about the two of you. We shall guide you through these rough times."

"Are you talking about that crap that Aidou sent me?! I did not write that! I hate Kuran and you all know that!"

"Why am I here?" Kaname asked looking at Aidou, the one who dragged him there.

"That's right! Kaname-sama never read it!" Ichijou handed Kaname his laptop. Anyone could tell from Kaname's expression that he was angry.

"MY LAPTOP! THAT WAS THE ONLY ONE MADE IN ALL OF JAPAN!" Ichijou screamed looking at the broken heap of junk.

"_**Who wrote those lies?" **_Yuki stepped forward.

"I did."

"_**Why?"**_ Kaname and Zero stared at Yuki.

"Well, I wrote a story about all of us on fan press. Cause our story is pretty cool you know. Vampires and stuff. And in the reviews everyone was asking for a yaoi scene between you guys and everything. I don't really know why they made this save the lost souls club."

Yuki looked at everyone after explaining why she wrote the story.

"Yuki."

"Yeah."

"Why was it so detailed?"

"Oh, people wrote some ideas in the reviews so…"

"Man, people have sick minds."

"We must help those confused souls! Come on! H.T.C.S.S, UNITE!"

"TO THE SOUL MOBILE!"

"LET'S GO!"

"YEAH!"

"LET'S GET SOME NACHOS FIRST!"

"YES!"

"AIDOUAIDOU HANABUSA!"

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Konata: If you can guess where I got the nachos and AidouAidou Hanabusa part you'll get blueberry pancakes."

Yuki: **LINK'S SWORD IS NOW MINE! YES! HAHAHAHAHAHA! REVIEW SO WE CAN DEFEAT KING GALBOTORIX!**


	6. Chapter 6: Whoa!

Chapter 6: Whoa!

Konata: Alright! _This _is the final chapter of Aidou reads Yaoi.

Aidou: *mutters* that's what she said last time

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"Yuki I can't _believe_ you locked the two of them in there! After what we just read too!" exclaimed an infuriated Ichijou, who still didn't realize that it was Yuki who wrote those lies.

They were storming towards the shed that they put Kaname and Zero in.

"Ichijou, I think you should trust them more."

"Kaname and Zero loath each other remember?" Shiki said. Aidou, Chairman, Ruka, Rima and Kain nodded in agreement.

"I'm telling you that they will do something! You open the door Chairman."

Kaien walked the rest of the way, opening the door fancifully.

"There you see, Kuran-kun and Kiryuu-kun are… **OH MAH GAH!** **WHERE'S RIMA?! COVER HER EYES AIDOU! COVER THEM!"**

"So the guys on fiction-press were right!"

"K-Kaname-sama, what are you doing?" Kaname and Zero looked at each other and nodded.

"When caught having a yaoi scene, RUN AWAY!"

"DON'T RUN NUDE IDIOTS!" Ruka and Kain yelled simultaneously.

Aidou was clutching the bloody hand that Rima bit.

"I have seen what no woman is supposed to see. I am now a female reject. I belong to neither the male nor female se-, gender. I must now try to erase these horrid images from my mind…So horrible…no…Zero…Kaname...what...Doing…COVER HER EYES! COVER HER EYES! RUN RIMA RUN!"

"Rima, calm down. Have some pocky." Shiki said, trying to comfort the sobbing girl.

"It was so horrid. Scary. Kami-sama, please help me. Erase the images."

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Konata: I know it wasn't much of a chapter. But I just had to make Rima see the yaoi scene! So think of some type of bonus thing.

Rima: *sends bolts of lighting at Konata*

Konata: Have mercy Rima!


	7. Chapter 7:Therapy

Chapter 7: Therapy

Konata: Last chapter and that is final! Oh, this chappie is dedicated to all the fans of this fic. If you're a fan please review or else you won't be on the _**Golden List of Reviewers**_

Aidou: *rolls eyes and yawns* Kona-Kona does not own Vampire Knight.

* * *

"Now tell me Miss. Touya. When did it all start?" asked a handsome maroon-haired teen, lighting a pipe. Adjusting his spectacles, Senri Shiki looked across the room at Rima, who was lying on a leather couch, gazing pointedly at the ceiling. Apparently, after the H.T.C.S.S's encounter with Zero and Kaname's little moment, she needed therapeutic help. So here she was with Dr. Shiki, (Kona: Eee! I love saying that!) re-capping the entire story; even though he was there for most of it.

"Well," the orange-haired model stated, cracking her gum. "I guess it all started the day we-."

"Define _we_ please." Rima glared and said, annoyed, "We, Ichijou, Senri and I."

"And who is this Shiki? That handsome, daredevil with the great hair and amazingly hot body?"

"No. The wimpy, pocky-loving, Taito Shion cos-playing geek that I always hang out with."

Shiki sighed. "You know you love my abs."

"You know I don't give a damn. Can we please be serious?! It all started when we, Ichijou, Senri, and I received an e-mail from Aidou stating that he found something interesting on one of the Kuran Manor's computers. A yaoi story for Kaname and Zero."

"How did you read this e-mail? Your essay states that your boyfriend shielded your eyes due to the fact that there might have been some disturbing content that would have mentally scarred you eternally."

"I read it later, after that incident. It was pretty accurate actually. Anyway, as you have stated, Shiki shielded my eyes. I struggled of course and bit his hand but he refused to release me until both he and Ichijou had read the e-mail thoroughly 8 times. Sick bastards…"

"Please prohibit your language mam." "After they had read the email they proceeded to discuss some erotic things that they saw on a video game. Sick dogs… The next day we interrogated the two. Kaname and Zero I mean. It was pretty, um, _awkward_. I vaguely remember being dragged into some Jeep called the soul mobile and driving to some crazy Yaoi fan girl's house. It think her name was ***NAME CENSEROD DUE TO LACK OF IMAGINATION***. After that incident, we caught Kaname and Zero in the act."

"Yes. Yes. And how do you feel about that?"

"Oh. I still wake upz zcreaming every nightz. Screaming! SCREAMING! Ah! KANAME-SAMA! ZERO! What-?! NO! COVER RIMA'S EYES SHE'S STILL A VIRGIN! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID LEGO! MSNING FRIEND! SHE LIKE WHAT?! NO! KUDOS TO YOU! WILL THERE BE MORE?! HOPEFUL EYES! YUUKI TAKE SOME FRIGGIN PHOTOS!

"Rima, I will kindly ask you to calm down."

"Screaming…Screaming…Screaming…Screaming…Screaming…"

"Well, that's all the time we have today. See you tomorrow bye-nees!" With that Shiki jumped up and ran out of the room.

This chapter was brought to you by: _**THE GOLDEN LIST OF REVIEWERS**_

*Synchronicity Paradise of Light and Shadow plays by Rin and Len Kagamine*

* * *

Konata: I can guarantee you that I will probably continue this fiction. Though it's gonna be a while before another update. I will definitely do something for the H.T.C.S.S though. If any fan-girls would to be included send me a PM.

_**GOLDEN LIST OF REVIEWERS**_

**SAPPHIREPAGE ITACHI IS DEIDARAS**

**VAMPIRECHIK1598 AIDOROCKZ**

**STARBERRIES BITE KITTY WITH A SNIPER**

**JUJUKINS A TALENTLESS WRITER**

**ALICE-GENSOKYO RIMACCHI KURAN**

**AZNGURL113219 xxSWEETESTxANGELxNIGHTMARExx **

**HANAMARU FUNKY BRACELET CHICK **

**NIRVANNA MOAHOA**

**AKUMA AND TENSHI HANA TWILIGHTFOREVER20**

**ALEX ANTIDOTE KATIE-LUVS-MCR**

**IRMINA ..YUURI**

**NTAI78**


	8. Chapter 8:Yagari

Konata: I don't know why I just can't stop! I mean, if I keep writing for it, the chapters will get crappier and less funny right? You guys are, like, way Prussia-awesome. *insert totally epic 'I'm a hero' America face here* I got 28 favs and 51 reviews! Seriously, I've never seen this amount of awesomeness since I heard Russia's English dub. I'll post this chappie then one more. Then it's done! I swear.

Zero: Why? Why?

Konata: Pfft. Don't complain you're happy you're Kaname's bitch.

Zero: …

Konata: OMFuckinG! The fan girls and Poland were, like, totally right. Pay up Ichijou.

Ichijou: *hands Konata a 2o* Konata does NOT own Vampire Knight, nor will she as long as she is ever in this corrupted world. She may own the Italian mafia or hell, Kingdom Hearts 3D but she will NEVER EVER-!

Konata: Damn you.

/

Song I'm listening to: Levan Polka by Hatsune Miku ('Cause leeks are, like, totally awesome like that)

Yagari Toga was pissed. 150 frickin vampire kills in _one_ day and they _still_ wouldn't give him a damn RAISE! He kicked down the next door he saw.

"Ah~You'll have to pay for that. I'll just deduct it from your paycheck." Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Yagari gave his boss a look that would kill in a second. Screw Death Notes. He had the glare of a thousand starving timber wolves on his side. But his boss was invincible. Rufus Shinra simply waved him off and motioned for Rude to wheel him off.

'_Fuck you!' _Yagari screamed in his head, lighting a cigar. And his phone just_ had_ to ring when he was surrounded by other hunters.

'_A vague 3cm, ain't that a flexible rule? cho! (1)_

_For rapping, a sailor uniform... it isn't a disadvantage, bu._

_Gotta do our best! Gotta do it!_

_That's when we catch and release, gyo_

_Darlin' darling FREEZE in the channel of my sweat, my sweat!*'_

All heads turned when they heard that Oh-so unexpected ringtone coming from Yagari. Ears burning he ran into the nearest bathroom.

"Move bitch.*" Defenisizing the poor Vampire Hunter, Yagari closed the seat and sat. His day just got a hell of a lot worse but it was absolutely terrible when he saw who he got a text from.

"**Cross." ****He **said, inciting hatred. He read the text aloud,

"_OMG! Like Yagari, you wouldn't believe what I saw today._

_Zero, my like totally cute little son and, like, your, like totally cute student, wrote a yaoi story about, like, himself and Kaname. Here I'll, like, text it to you._

K+Z=Y

"'**Kaname, we shouldn't. It wouldn't be fair for Yuki.' said a guilty looking Zero. **

"**So what?" The pureblood then….Oh my fucking God. Oh God. Oh God. My student's a HOE!"**

The black haired 31-year old, then read the text over, making sure he wasn't hallucinating, repeating "My student's hoe. My student's a hoe." over and over until he finally came to a conclusion. He needed to get to cross Academy.

-Cross Academy

"DAMN IT ZERO! IMMA 'BOUT TO GO NINJA ON YOUR SORRY EMO ASS!"

"And then you find her woo hoo-Can I help you?"(Sexual Education with Demyx)

"Uh, no. Carry on." Yagari continued down the hallway, kicking down the door when he found it.

"FUCK YOU ZERO! IMMA GO DANCING SAMURAI ON YOUR SORRY HOE ASS!"

"Uh…Master?"

"I MEAN SHIT! YOU'RE LIKE A MAN WHORE!"

"Master."

"YOU WOULD MAKE YOUR `MOTHER CRY DAMN IT! YOU KNOW WHAT SHIZUKA WOULD SAY RIGHT NOW "Oh, Zero I always knew you had it in you." THE BITCH WOULD BE FUCKIN PROUD OF YOU! I DID NOT RAISE YOU TOL BE SOME DRAMATIC VAMPIRE'S BITCH! YOU WENT THROUGH YUKI AND KANAME! WHO'S NEXT SHIKI?"

"You know the fan girls would probably like to see that." Yuki said, pen and paper in hands.

"YOU'RE LIKE SOME RENT BOY! WHAT DO YOU PRANCE AROUND SUNFLOWER FIELDS IN SLUTTY SKIRTS? YOU'RE CONTRACT STATES THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE EMO NOT GAY! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BLOODY AND SHIRTLESS NOT PANTLESS AND FUCKING LIKE RABBITS!"

"DAD!"

"?"

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"…, good. "

"Wait!" Headmaster Cross appeared in the doorway, bound to a chair.

"He's gay!"

"No Dad. He's European." Yuuki said, still writing.

"He's Gay."

"He's European."

"If I may say, this man is gay AND European." Kaname stated waltzing in, randomly drenched in water, shirt partly opened.

"Ah, I came in looking sexy again. Cue screaming fan girls."

Day Class students and one Poland appeared in the windows, squealing like banshees.

"OMG! Master Kaname!"

"I would totally offer him my vital region."

"He's like, totally hot!"

"AIIIEE! HE, LIKE, TOTALLY JUST WINKED AT ME!"

"HE FLIPPED HIS HAIR! HE FLIPPED HIS HAIR!"

"YOU'RE FUCKIN EUROPEAN?" Yagari looked appalled. Zero just glared.

"I'm 5 percent French." (No offense intended to the French0

"That's it. I'm disowning you."

"What? Do you have something against the French? That's racism!"

"Watch Hetalia and you will know why you must have something against the French. I'm leaving. All right. According to our contracts, we play dramatic music, Yuuki says something dramatic and runs out, Zero following. Leaving me and Cross here to talk about something retarded to erase the lingering sexual tension."

"Oh okay. Zero, Kaname-senpai. I CAN'T choose between the two of you. I know I'm being selfish but-but- Oh, wait eye drops…Okay I'm good. But-But-!"

"Wait Yuuki!"

Zero and Kaname followed the girl out of the room, making Yagari and Kaien the only ones in the room.

"Um…We could randomly wear Prussia and Spain cosplay while singing Like a Boss by The Lonely Island?"

The vampire hunter shrugged.

"Sure."

"Mr. Samberg Thanks for coming to your performance review  
No problem  
So you're in charge around here, is that fair to say?  
Absolutely, I'm the boss  
Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the boss  
Well the first thing I do is...

Talk to to corporate (like a boss)  
Approve memos (like a boss)  
Lead a workshop (like a boss)  
Remember birthdays (like a boss)  
Direct workflow (like a boss)  
My own bathroom (like a boss)  
Micromanage (like a boss)  
Promote Synergy (like a boss)  
Hit on Debra (like a boss)  
Get rejected (like a boss)  
Swallow sadness (like a boss

Send some faxes (like a boss)  
Call a sex line (like a boss)  
Cry deeply (like a boss)  
Demand a refund (like a boss)  
Eat a bagel (like a boss)  
Harrassment lawsuit (like a boss)  
No promotion (like a boss)  
Fifth of vodka (like a boss)

Song I'm listening to: Gay Bar (WTF? How did I go from leeks to nuclear wars?)

-Konata: I had it in the beginning but then I saw France's rape face and completely zoned out. I'm going to make the HTCSS chapter better though. Cause, it's going to be, like a totally awesome shonen action manga chapter with laughs, hilarious drama, weapons and YAOI!

Zero: The fan girl's mind works in such strange ways.

Konata: I know but the funny thing is, when I started this story, I hated the very thought of yaoi. Then I watched Katekyo Hitman reborn and was like, "That Kyoko girl is annoying. Make Tsuna go gay." Isn't that strange?

Ichijou: I have never heard anything like that before. Review! My chapter comes up next and I want it typed as soon as possible! Reviews make Konata work!"

_**In other news:**_

Demyx Time is the best YouTube show in the world. Hetalia is made of pure epicness. I laugh whenever I hear Russia's dub. I posted a new story on Fiction Press but my account's spazzing out on me so when my hits won't show. And….TsunaxGiotto or HDW! Tsuna should be one of the best yaoi pairings of all time, besides EnglandxAmerica. Two Mafia bosses going at it is, in fact, the meaning of the word sexiness.

Oh, and you just lost the game. (LOL! That's so old!XD!)


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